now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just gift wrapped bread.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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