i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
