my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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