I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
