I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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