Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i think i have two assholes
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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