last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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