Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
