pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
