Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
