I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
