I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize