Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
How external is "for external use only"?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize