If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
