uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize