i'm lost and i look like a hooker
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So here I am, sexting at work.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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