I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i love accidental penises.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
