Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
