Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
A bitchslap is in order.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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