She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
