She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize