Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
