The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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