"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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