Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
