When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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