That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
