the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
