Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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