Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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