Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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