I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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