he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
