This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
