Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
