I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
