drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
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