so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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