He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
