I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize