I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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