I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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