I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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