We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
