I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
thus making me awesome and them whores
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
