Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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