While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize