It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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