Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
