what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Panties = found
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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