i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
