So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
