Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
