I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize